Auto Pilot

Yesterday marked a new start for Christians as a new year began. To mark the occasion, as many are aware, the new translation of the Roman Missal was used. In our parish, the new translation only started yesterday unlike some parishes in the world where they might have started using it before Advent. Nearly everyone who attended mass yesterday was a little lost because of the unfamiliarity with the new words. While some buried their faces in the missalletes and other said the words of the old translation. It wasn't the best/ideal worship for this week. But that got me thinking, those who were saying the old words despite knowing that the translation is new and that all the words were in the new missallete were just saying it for the sake of saying it. I myself had some instances where that happened. One example was "The Lord be with you" the previous response was, "And also with you". The new one as we all know is, "And with your spirit". It has become more like an automatic response without thinking to what we hear from the priest. Saying it without thought. I made this mistake a few times. This doesn't just apply to the new words but the creed we use to use, or the 'Our Father' prayer. Some of us say these prayers and words without thinking about the meaning behind it. It becomes a recital instead of prayers. Its probably not going to be easy getting in tuned to the new translation and may take a couple of weeks but I don't intend on making the same mistakes this time, hopefully. Auto Pilot. 

The Mystery.

If you attempted to evangelize an atheist and tried to explain the existence of God, how would you do it? What would you tell him to try to get him to even consider the existence of God? Its much easier to talk to someone who already has a background in some form of religion compared to an atheist. The thought crossed my mind when I was having a discussion with someone in church and I did some reading and research. 

Looking in the bible, in Romans 1:20, St. Paul asserts that belief in God is not unreasonable and that humans can rationally discover the hidden God because; "ever since the creation of the world, the invisible existence of God and his everlasting power have been clearly seen by the mind's understanding of created things" This MAY sound rather philosophical and distant to some people, so let's look at an example. A wealthy man who has much much more money than he needs to sustain himself and his family, lives in a ginormous mansion, owns luxurious car. The typical Richie Rich family.  They may be physically very very satisfied and happy with their lives but are they really truly happy from within? Sometimes we hear that, sometimes wealthy people don't feel satisfied with their lives for some reason. Probably the spiritual aspect of their life. This obviously isn't just limited to wealthy people but we commonly hear it from that particular group of people. We have an unquenchable thirst for happiness which nothing earthly can completely satisfy. God made us that way, implanted in us a homing device so that we'd find in him the happiness which we cannot find in earthly things. For him to fill up that empty box we carry with us that nothing can fill up. 

Another thing to think about is the sense of justice. Most/many of us have a fundamental feeling of justice that good will triumph over evil in someway, somehow, someday if not in this life, perhaps in the next. In those blockbuster movies, on many occasions, we assume or believe that the hero will eventually get rid of the villain. Why? And one more thing, Love. Love is a spiritual 'thing' where it cannot be really explained nor defined by materiality. It has to come from somewhere, ultimately from love itself, whom we call God. The water in the river has to come from a source which is water too. 


A great medieval theologian, St. Thomas Aquinas made a very logical conclusion to the existence of God. He has five 'proofs' and one of them was that all creatures had to come from a cause which itself was not caused. And this "Uncaused Cause" is God. Was the Big Bang really the start of everything? What about the cause of the Big Bang? The cause of the cause of the Big Bang had to have a cause or some reason that it happened, so what happened or what caused it which wasn't a cause itself? 


There have been so many theologians and other people who have tried to prove the existence of God but it also ultimately comes down to Faith too and thats what usually is missing from an atheist person. I believe it is a gift from The Lord our God which cannot be earned or created. I feel like I have indeed received that gift since my background wasn't the most religious background but I was still called to Christ. My mentor taught me about faith with a very interesting parable. There's a glass of water-like see-through liquid which is labelled as poison, but I tell you that it isn't poison and you drink it out of faith. Something to ponder on. What is faith to you? 


Are you completely happy now? Maybe you're missing something, or maybe there's something you can do to satisfy that restlessness to attain peace and happiness. 

How full is your life glass? What can you do to fill it up? 

Conversion. (Final)

Things from there on was as good as it could get. I was finally having the community life I craved so much for. I was finally becoming more active in church and getting to know more people and coming out of my introverted shell. The verses in the bible about community worship were coming alive in me. In the entire week, I came to look forward to choir practice, altar serving (honestly, before everything, I thought it was easy and nothing significant to it, how wrong I was..) and most of all mass. I was craving for baptism and to finally be able to all myself a brother of Christ. I tried my best to keep my lenten 'obligations'. It was hard, but I also thought this was nothing and I was complaining for no valid reason compared to what Christ endured, and did for us all. 


We sung during Holy Week and on Good Friday. It was the best experience I had. I felt so good singing praises and with the choir and in LATIN too! It was just 1 day before Easter Vigil and I was looking even more forward to the next day. There was 1 person in my class who didn't make it but the rest of us made it, and the number was much greater than the initial number we had. From old to young, we all had various reasons coming together like this. 


The Easter Vigil this year was very very much different. Every year, I would sit in the gallery above alone but this year, FRONT ROW SEATS and the big night for all of us who were called. The mass went on until our baptism. I was nervous, overwhelmed with joy, and hopeful of the future I had as a part of the church, and with the whole community. When it was my turn, I had millions of thoughts running through my head, anticipation, anxiety to a certain extent. The moment of baptism was a very VERY emotional moment. To non-christians, its just pouring water over the guy's forehead. I'm privileged to have experienced it consciously. Most/ many Catholics were baptized as infants. At that moment, all the thoughts, the anxiety, anticipation I had flew out the window and I felt peaceful and calm as never felt before. Some readers might think I'm going over the top but it really was an unforgettable experience and one which I'd love to have again.I felt different after that. Like a different person. It could have been psychological at that point, but it might not have been 'psychological'. 


Things have changed so much ever since that day and my life perspective has changed so much. Going to church every Sundays aren't enough sometimes. Which is why I use to go for a number of weekday masses too in Penang. I am/was in dire need of spiritual food and really hope that other people would be able to have the same great experience I had in their own way. Life looks more hopeful and I have something to hold to in my times of distress now. I don't feel as isolated and as alone as I use to feel. A whole new perspective of life. 


I'm really grateful to those who supported me through my journey and those who still continue to be there and guide me deeper into the faith. I secretly wish that these posts, might help someone find their way to Jesus Christ our Lord too. (not so subtle and secret apparently.. =p)

Conversion. (Part 4)

Coming to sushiland, I immediately looked for a church I could go to. I managed to find one that was a 40 minute walk away from where I stayed so I visited the church for the Saturday evening mass one day. Everything was in Japanese, I wasn't part of the mass at all. Everything seemed to just go by without me being part of worship, prayers and it didn't feel particularly good. I asked the priest after the mass if there was any other church nearby where mass was in English and he recommended me one. I went, it wasn't exactly the same as back home, but it felt much closer to the church back home and I felt some comfort in my time of distress. But what I really wanted, was to continue my RCIA process. Unfortunately for me, the church I went to didn't have RCIA in English but the priest agreed to have me on a one-on-one class to prepare me for my baptism in Easter. It was great. I could ask all the questions I couldn't ask in class back at home and get answers directly from someone who consecrates the holy mass. 


I was still very unhappy about my situation and everything else but I felt peaceful within. I looked forward to coming to mass every weekend at this point and for my class. It was the only two things I found joy in. My burden seem to just float away on Sundays. From a faith that was based on understanding and logical thinking by the brain, the transition was happening to actual faith from coming from the heart and I really cannot describe how I was feeling exactly. After 3 months, I went back to Penang and my journey continued back in my first church. 


When I got back, I missed some of the topics they covered in class but it didn't really concern me because I was happier with what I learnt on my own journey in Japan with Fr. Leo. I had a reference letter from Fr. Leo and I was allowed to continue my preparation for baptism. Lent began and the three scrutinies too. After my first scrutiny, I met someone in church. Someone who gave me fresh things to think about which were never mentioned in class, and to help my faith grow through means other than black and white, paper and pen. My mentor. This was actually my second meeting with him. I didn't have a very good first impression after our first meeting due to certain things but this time it felt different. In a good way.  

Conversion. (Part 3)

One saturday evening I was at mass at usual sitting in the gallery above in the corner quietly alone, the priest (at the time was fr. Gandalf) mentioned something about adult baptism preparation. RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults). It was exactly the thing I was looking for. I've been going to church but not really feeling 100% apart of it since there were too many things I didn't know. I signed up for it immediately with my sponsor being my tutor in high school and the early part of college. I brought this back home to my parents thinking everything would be okay or they would've been pleased with my decision to take this next step. But no. I came face to face with strong opposition from my parents. I had my grandparents behind me though. The reasons of the opposition were exams, school grades, less study time, baptism wasn't that necessary to be catholic. Major disappointment for me. I don't disagree that all the things are important, but what could be more important than responding to a natural calling to Christ? My grandfather use to pray and read the bible everyday and he'd invite me to pray with him (I was 10-12) but I always refused saying I had homework. It seemed like the perfect flawless excuse not to join him. But thinking back, it doesn't make any sense. I believed I mentioned the same reasons for not going to church in my younger days. What my parents were telling me, was what I myself use to say to others but it was only at that point where I realized the ridiculousness of it. 


I had 3 weeks more until the first day of the commencement of the RCIA process and I still didn't have the 'green light' for it. I prayed tirelessly although I didn't exactly know what I was doing or who I was actually praying to for help. After much debate and discussion, I  forcefully turned the red light green. It took me about 2 weeks. It all began the following week. 


It wasn't the perfect in the sense that, it was all coming in black and white but it met what I needed/wanted being the very eager enquirer I was. My unanswered questions were starting to decrease. Although I do admit that my faith was still very shallow and it was all processed by my brain and I tried to understand it as logic. I wasn't feeling much connection or feeling much at that time despite my questions being answered. It took me awhile. 5 months into RCIA, I was shipped to sushiland. I despised it. I came feeling very lost, defeated, depressed, angry, frustrated, annoyed, and all other negative emotions you can come up with. My faith journey had seemed to come to a halt. 

Conversion. (Part 2)

This is a continuation from the the previous part 1 post. That year when my dad converted, my 2nd brother was born. He was immediately baptized at birth like many/most catholic families. 3 years later, I had another brother and he too was baptized at birth. I was 11. I felt nothing at that time. Things just went along for the next few years. At the age of 17, I made a few catholic friends. I guess this was the starting point for me. My first exposure to people my age who were practicing the faith. When I was 18, I went for a funeral mass at IC church for a former head master of my high school. The students who went, most of us were non-catholics. But there were a few of my friends who were catholics. This was the first time I went to church with anyone besides my family. My friends knew I attended church so when it came to holy communion, they went, turned back and asked why I wasn't going. (They didn't know I wasn't baptized) I just smiled, shook my head and waved them forward. Over the years, when people asked me what my religion was I answered, "I'm a catholic" but it never felt exactly right saying that. I said that because I went to church on certain occasions and my parents, grandparents and 2 of my brothers were catholics. 

2010. This was perhaps the best year in my life that I can remember. Anyway, I made more new friends. Friends from other schools for the first time. All my high school years, my circle of friends were confined to people in my own high school. I didn't attend group tuition like most high school kids did and wasn't a part of church. I had a tiny circle of friends but this was a whole new, fresh experience for me in college. Of course in my new group of friends, I had more catholic friends. Sometimes during break, I'd hear them talking about their church friends, activities, and even discussing certain religious topics, I felt envious of them. One conversation I remember clearly was, 

"Hey B, I don't see you in church so often anymore what happened to you? Noti boy. "

"I go laaaaaa. On Sunday evenings thats why you don't see me."

"Righttt.. You become so inactive I bet you don't even know what the 7 sacraments are also."

"I know okay? Its... "

He could only name 5 out of the 7. I was intrigued. Something just lit in me after hearing that short simple conversation. I wondered what sacraments were. What they meant. What else there was that I didn't know about without even bothering to try to find out about the Christ. And a realization that there may be something deeper than sitting in church, listening to bible readings, the priest's sermon, the breaking of bread and the cup with wine. 

I started going to church more often alone on saturday evenings. Why not sunday? Because I have trouble getting up early in the morning and I wanted to sleep in on sundays. Ridiculous reason, yes I know but I told myself start somewhere, better than nothing. I went as frequently as I could because no one else went to church and I couldn't drive so I had to take buses to and from church. I didn't feel as much resistance with myself as I use to. When my grandparents visited, they'd go for mass on the weekends, and they'd ask me if I wanted to go. The answer was always "No, thank you. I have homework to do". Thinking back, it was a stupid answer. In the beginning I went thinking it was all interesting. Then the sermons or homilies by the priest started making sense to me. The mass was finally starting to come alive in me. I saw things, heard things which were always there but I never noticed all the times I was there. I'd finally started climbing the first set of stairs towards something great. 

All The Same

Throughout our history, there have always been fights among human beings for certain rights, beliefs, ideaologies and many pointless wars and senseless killings which could have and should have been avoided. In Genesis 1:26 it says;


Then God said, "Let us make human beings in our image, to be like us. They will reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, the livestock, all the wild animals on the earth, and the small animals that scurry along the ground." (New Living Translation, 2007)


When taken at face value this verse sounds like common sense to us. We have domunion over all living creatures that God has put on this earth along with us. But thats not what I'd like to talk about here. I'd like you to pay attention to the first few words of this verse which I believe is usually forgotten. "Let us make human being in out image" This verse tells us that every single one of us is an image of God on earth. Even that guy who smells a little funny or that girl who dresses like a barbie doll. What they may say or do may be a little odd to us, but they're still images of God as we are too. So everytime we look at another person, we're looking at the image of God. And one of the greatest sins that mankind has commited over the years and still continue to commit is exactly this. Failure to accept God's other creations with open arms and to love them like our siblings. Lets look at this with examples.

Racism. A major issue in the Unites States many years ago. well, maybe not THAT many years. I have a question for you. Does God differentiate his children based on their skin tone? Culture? Ethnical background? The land where they come from? You already know the answer to this one. No, he doesn't. He loves them just as much as He loves any other person so where do get our rights to claim superiority over any other race or person? If you look at "to be like us" the last part of the first sentence, racism is most definitely not something that God would do and its not "like Him" at all. Another example is Adolf Hitler.

Everyone knows that he didn't play very nicely with the Jewish people. In the end, his unfriendlyness led to a senseless killing spree. Why? Do we discriminate them because of what they believe? Or because thier history? If that be the case, there would be no such thing as world peace. There would be hate among the European countries, China would hate Japan, Japan would hate America and the world's biggest countries would be taken out of the globalization equation. We don't deny what happened in the past, but we don't live in it so don't drag things that happened before be the littlest things like your friend spilling his drink on your shirt. God doesn't hate us now because 'we' killed his only son. He's kind, compassionate and forgiving so "be like Him"


Another thing I'd like to bring up is gay bashing. Its true homosexuality is forbidded in Christianity and many other religions and generally unaccepted society. But its not their fault that that happened to them. God doesn't hate them because they have different sexual orientations. These people, have different lives to lead, a different path to take from the other so-called 'normal people' but they're no different than us. They eat, drink, breathe, study, work, clean, cook, wash so on and so forth. Whats so different about them at fundamental levels? Its unjust to bash these people up based on your own social standards, so don't.

I'm probably not the best person to be talking about all this since I'm a sinner, I'm flawed too. But I think this is something important that we've forgotten but something that should be thought about and kept in mind. Even those who aren't religious I'm sure you can still relate. What gives you the right to discriminate people based on their color or sexual orientation? Nothing. Its things like ego and superiority complex that gets in the way of all this. No one is better than another person. Everyone is All The Same.

Conversion. (Part 1)

There aren't exactly many people reading this but I guess I'm posting this up to recap what happened to me in the last year and a few months. About a year and a half ago, I was no more than a lost teenager with no real guide in life, living the days as it came by without thought about the 'bigger picture'. I was/am the nice guy who was always considered thoughtful, kind, never said 'no' to someone who needed help. Yes its true. In fact, I still can't say no to almost everyone. In short, self sacrificial. All this was good, I like helping people out and seeing smiles on their faces at the end of the day always made me happy and made me think my time, energy was worth it. But I had no purpose in life. Nothing to look up to in times of difficulty. Most people look to their parents for help. Of course. They should be the people who know you best and would support you whenever you need it. But I don't have that relationship with them, thus, it wasn't an option for me. 


I grew up in a buddhist-ish background with my dad originally being buddhist. Whenever we visited temples like kek lok si and many other temples for prayer, I felt like a foreigner in a different country. I wasn't feeling as homey as my dad was or as cheery as my other siblings seem to be. Maybe this was already an indication of something to come in the up coming years. (1996-1997ish)


In the year 2000, my dad was baptized and converted to a Roman Catholic. The reason for his conversion is *********...******. (For protection of privacy, details have been removed). Now this, also felt foreign to me. I was 9 at the time. The nearest church to where we lived at the time was The Church of Immaculate Conception. I lived in Midlands Condo just a 5 minute walk away. I always knew there was a church nearby but never thought I'd have any kind of relation to it. Life went on and we went to church on big occasions like Easter, Christmas and occasionally on some saturday evenings. To be honest, I really didn't like it. Having to sit quietly in church for an hour while things happen which i had no clue what it was, was like having to sit in a classroom where the teacher speaks in some weird foreign language which you have no idea and it feels like a total waste of time. During Christmas, all i wanted to do was for the mass to finish and to go home to the presents under the tree. Childish. Yes I know that thankyouverymuch. What do you expect? I was 9, no one told me about anything that was going on, or even attempted to try to tell me anything so don't blame me for feeling like that. 


End of part 1. 

Thoughts

I didn't exactly have anything new to post up here so here I am talking about 'thinking' and 'thoughts'. The average person (not a person with depression) experiences and processes an average of 60,000 automatic thoughts a day. Automatic thoughts meaning those thoughts that come effortlessly and go by before you know it like, 'the furry is barking' or 'why is this guy driving so slow' We don't realize these thoughts as 'thoughts' like almost all thoughts including positive ones like, 'he's playing good music'. They just come and go like air.. 

Out of the 60,000 thoughts, roughly 45,000 are said to be leaning towards negative thoughts. Approximately upward of 75-80% in percentage. Even 'can't this old man move any faster' is a negative thought. You're feeling annoyance towards the poor old man who doesn't really have a choice to walk any faster than he already is. (Unless he's wearing motor powered shoes with wheels in the soles of it) Maybe thats why some of us feel so unhappy all or most of the time. Our minds are over crowded with negative thoughts and we're always complaining or dissing about something or someone in our tiny little brains. YES you heard me right, I said TINY. Big head? Probably. Big brain? Hell no.

To anyone out there who thinks their brain is as good as the new A5 processor Apple launched, its nothing compared to what He can see or what He has in mind for us. ANYWAY. Its not possible to monitor all  the 60,000 thoughts you have in a day. But you can be sure that when you're feeling some kind of resentment, or anger or frustration towards something, you're thoughts are wandering off in the undesired direction so give it a tug back towards you. Forgive the old man who's walking slowing in front of you. Let the guy in front of you drive the way he is maybe he's driving through the pain of a broken leg towards the hospital. Don't honk him unless he's doing something mightly wrong on the road.. I'm not saying you have to be like this ; 

But I think a leeeeeetle consciousness about what you're thinking and being a little more understanding towards the situation might make your day not so stressful or dull or depressing. There was this person who told me this story about a girl spilling her cereal on her dad in the morning and the different situations that arise from there on. Its very true. The response from the person would be 'OF COURSE ITS BLOODY TRUE!!!' anyway. yes its true, how we respond to certain things can make a whole lot of difference to up coming events or mold how we're going to respond to other things that may come up in our day. So, once again, loosen up, drop those heavy bags of stress lighten yourself and live life. Get out of the spiral of bad thoughts you have every single day of your life. I'm going to use this again just because I can and the occasion seems to fit, 

Get out of the depths of miserable thoughts! De Profundis. 

De Profundis

De Profundis. It is the Latin translation for the first words of Psalm 130. My interpretation of it would be a kind of penitential prayer. De Profundis means, ''out of the depths of despair'' I believe. As I do not know much about Latin, I've depended on many Many MANY online translations to confirm the dependency of this translation. The Psalm goes on, crying out to God, waiting for divine redemption. 


Psalm 130 : Waiting for Divine Redemption 



¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD;
 ² Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
   to my cry for mercy.
 ³ If you, LORD, kept a record of sins,
   Lord, who could stand?
⁴ But with you there is forgiveness,
   so that we can, with reverence, serve you.
 ⁵ I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits,
   and in his word I put my hope.
⁶ I wait for the Lord
   more than watchmen wait for the morning,
   more than watchmen wait for the morning.
 ⁷ Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
   for with the LORD is unfailing love
   and with him is full redemption.
⁸ He himself will redeem Israel
   from all their sins.



Being horrible at naming anything, this might pretty much be one of those cases but the idea came to me during mass today despite the fact that today's readings weren't exactly about this. But well, I thought it was suitable since it sort of fits my current state of mind, and its not just a Psalm to cry out to God during bad times but also to repent for our sins and ask for forgiveness. We're all sinners. Accept it! In verse 4 the psalmist brings up that we are afraid of God because He is powerful, yet we love Him because He is so compassionate towards us and forgiving. In verse 5, he waits hopefully for 'something good' to happen through Him. He emphasizes how much he wants this in the next verse how he says he wants the Lord more than he wants the morning to come. The word 'Redeemer' in the last verse we know that its one of the names of Jesus. Although the psalmist didn't know this due to his ancientness. 


My point is, there're many things we can or rather should keep in mind from this short Psalm. We tend to want other things or other methods to solve/run away from our problems. Indeed at times, there may be certain practical methods to solve a problem but we must not lose faith in God in the process of wanting a solution like a 'new morning' as in verse 6. I'm starting to lose my point and forgetting what I wanted to say in the first place so, I shalln't go on before I'm talking more crap than I already am. 


This marks the day of my blogging, and hopefully to more hopeful, cheerful days ahead of course by, ''Coming out of the depths of despair'' De Profundis